Monday, November 09, 2009
you thought you knew.you thought you were right,that you should just keep that image.
that if you keep that facade up you'd be invincible.
that you've done it so well no one could see.
that your fortress was impenetrable.
then comes a day where you get the shock of your life.
someone you've never expected have figured you out.
someone you barely knew.
someone you never spoke to unless needed.
you laugh,
how can that ever happen.
there is no way anyone can pass that wall you put around yourself.
your protection,your prison.
you think you've kept everyone out.
you think you've already stopped everyone.
you think you've become immune to anything,
you're wrong.
perhaps all this time you've kept yourself in.
perhaps all this time you've been hiding,you're only hiding yourself.
perhaps all this time you've been lying,you only lied to yourself.
perhaps all this time you've been crying,you cried for yourself.
perhaps all this time you've been angry,you were angry at yourself.
perhaps all this time you've been sorry,you were sorry for yourself.
perhaps all this time you've been laughing,you were laughing at yourself.
but enough with that.
let today be an important day,because it is.
way to go,xinlin.
brimstone stormclouds @ 11:28 AM
Sunday, November 08, 2009
If I told you there have been no mistakes……that I understand every decision you’ve ever made,
and that the challenges you’ve faced,
you’ve faced for everyone,
would you listen?
If I told you that what you dream of,
I dream of for you,that the only things "meant to be"
are what you decide upon,
and that all that standsbetween you and the life of your dreams
are the thoughts you choose to think,
would you try to understand?
And if I told you that you are never alone,
that there are angels who sing your name in praise,
and that I couldn’t possibly be any more proud of you than I already am,
would you believe me?
Would you?
Even if I pulled your leg
,made you blush,
and winked between the lines?
Then I shall…
-Notes from the universe
brimstone stormclouds @ 11:22 AM
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
perhaps when i finally learn,this will all be over.perhaps when this is over,none will be remembered.
perhaps not.
maybe its regret.
maybe its guilt.
maybe its anger.
maybe its futility.
i was recently given another signal.
thankfully,in words this time.
however,sometimes the signal given is not what you want or expect.
how should this end?
this is by no means gallant.
it was an emotional period of time.
from old pals to emotions i never experienced,
all in half a year.
maybe i should give it a rest.
signals,signs,riddles,endings...
nostradamus would be proud.
by the way,thanks felicia.
brimstone stormclouds @ 8:53 AM
Thursday, October 22, 2009
one goal.one frickin goal.
brimstone stormclouds @ 7:25 PM
Monday, October 19, 2009
yesterday was fulfilling.no, it was very fulfilling.
finally got to touch the ball after a billion years.
and i am reunited with my glove...and i've lost my reflexes.
soccer is a way of life not a game.
perhaps passion is being able to go on and on without feeling mentally tired.
hm,now to apply it to my studies.
no damn way.
then there's the debriefs.grah.
brimstone stormclouds @ 7:38 AM
Thursday, September 03, 2009
never do things you cannot live with.it eats you inside and out.
for guilt cannot be stopped.
not even international borders.
and sorry can only give forgiveness,
not liberation.
by the way,going on hiatus till end of EOY.
to see in two whiles.
brimstone stormclouds @ 4:29 PM
Monday, August 31, 2009
i finally went back to hws.really lightened my mood.met bouncy,tristan,gavin,benjamin,kenny,chuankai and wanqi(in chronological order)
kenny's stories were interesting as ever.who else would dare to exclaim at the maximum capacity of their lungs about their chem teacher's genitals.
played cards while waiting.
we were all entertained by two kids playing at the drain.
the conversation roughly went like this.
kenny:"kids,its dangerous down there "
bounce:"yea come up,the water is dirty"
wanqi:"it's quite late,don't you have to go home?"
chinese kid:"no,this is my home"
wanqi:"are they homeless kids?"
tristan:"won't your mother worry?"
indian kid:"my mum swimming inside)
kenny:"lee kuan yew would be so happy to see this display of racial harmony"
chinese kid:"ahhhh my leg cramp!"
tristan:"are you okay?"(runs down to drain)
both kids:"hahaha"(runs after tristan to shake his hand)
chinese kid pickes a snail from the wall and laugh as he lowered the snail into water.
kenny:"hey don't be mean to snails,if you were the snail how will you feel"
chinese kid:"this place like spa,i will swim in it"
kenny:"but the snail will drown"
chinese kid:"unless you kiss it"
kenny:"okay"(picks snail form kid and lowered it on the ground)
me:"for a moment i thought she'll really do it"
bounce:"yea"
indian kid:"haha here got spider"
bounce:"careful,later its poisonous"
tristan:"i'm coming"(dramatically runs down to drain)
chinese kid:"shake!!!"(screams and run after tristan to shake his hand.)
tristan:"no"(tries to run away)
chinese boy corners him
tristan:"hug okay,no hands"
kid ened up shaking his hand.
wanqi:"he really seem to like kids"
kenny:"yea he seems to be ready to be a father"
then the kid threw a dead lizard up.
oh and bounce is having a concert on monday.
she can be the next hannah montana!
brimstone stormclouds @ 8:00 PM
Sunday, August 30, 2009
running down the hills and flying kites.it was like a dream.
and the worst part was how painfully short that might be.
how ironic.i once said that i'd give up anything just to go back.
and now,the grass patches are gone.even the country club would be torn down.
have i been so wrapped in life to neglect such memories?
being rudely propelled back into life was not the best ending ever.
and i'm here now.
greedily dreaming for another day.
as the sun shone upon me through the car window,reaching out to me,like a lifeline,
i could only sigh.the sun,like closure was only that far away.
regrets,and reality closes in upon me.
brimstone stormclouds @ 12:33 PM
Thursday, August 20, 2009
i thought my way to school.was i waiting for a purpose to fall from the sky?
yes,i then answered myself.
what to if you dislike the mask you wear?
wear another mask.
i'm not moving anywhere.
which leads me to this:
when one is driven to extreme measures,and everything ends
will it really end?
or that will just lead to yet another lifetime of.......life?
the thing is,before making the choice,you'll never know what's on the other side.
and yet...many picked uncertain over confined
sometimes i hate having a conscience.
sometimes i hate having emotions.
sometimes i hate having to live up to everything.
a temporary excuse for weakness.
why am i so weak.why does everything wound me?
emotion.
and right before i was overtaken by such destruction,
i asked myself,would i give my future in to a moment's relief?
yes,my conscience answered.i have nothing to look forward to.
floodgates opened.
nothing is truly free,correct?
for even the birds are expected to fly.
i thought my way home.
brimstone stormclouds @ 7:12 PM
Friday, August 14, 2009
in the situation where life grips you like a fork,i've once again re-found the wonders of reading.
yes,what if time suddenly appeared more finite than you ever knew.
would that make any difference?
dramatizing a dream exit would sound.........drastic.
yet in a consoling way,it could be passed as a form of control over current circumstances.
(its better than drying up in bed)
what if this is the end?will it just terminate here,as a heap on the ground?
or more?
society's perception of "the easy was out".
the poor ostracized who have no way of explaining.
or would adding a few loose clues tell a tale?
even so,this cowardly way out is way more complex than it seems.
to stand on forever's edge,will letting go actually take it all away?
because,unlike the book,no one will be waiting at the edge,abandon their dreams
all in hope to save any other person.and not any other person can do it.
just who will stop you from instant
i read the ending and went "yuck"
and then,it seemed that it would be better if we could tell when.
if its close,fear,regret and every emotion hidden in every vault,awry.
if its far,you'll smile and life is adding more on your list.
if every existence has an impact on every other existence,
what would it be?could this be the designated impact?
then again....
life's been giving me all sorts of signals.correct?
its just difficult to understand,what the message might be.
ps:i do hope my next signal will come in words.it'll be much simpler that way.
and thanks jiaen(:
brimstone stormclouds @ 7:46 PM
Sunday, August 09, 2009
ehm.yes.inner conflict from my last post,ignore it.
i'm sorry if i might have caused....well anything to anyone
but never do things you cannot live with.
for those who have helped in one way or another,
thankyou.you might have been the one who helped evade this consequence.
xiwen,yinghui,sirong,fiona,cherlyn,nicole,y and w
thankyou.
brimstone stormclouds @ 7:57 PM
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
xinlin you jerkwhy are you such an idiot?
why do you have to be a burden to everyone around you?
why can't you be the daughter your mother wants?
why can't you be the son your dad wants?
why can't you be the sister your brothers need?
why?
why do you have to hurt the people around you?why do you have to cause so much trouble?
why are you such a trouble to your parents?why are you a monster to your brothers?
why are you such an insensitive creature to your friends?
look at you,look at what you've become.you've wasted your parents'life.the time,the money.
they could have been put to better use ,for your brothers.you brutally took it away.
you selfish jerk.
look around you.do you see anyone who is happy?
look at the disappointment in your mother's smile;
look at the shame on your father's face.look at the fear in your brothers' eyes.that is you.
you fail to realize that people around you are not swimming.
they're drowning because of you.
no,you don't deserve to be called monster.
do you know why life even exist around you?
they pity you.they think you're a joke,a screwup.
you're weak.what reason do you have to breakdown like that?
nothing.you shouldn't be the one.
then why did you cry so hard?
you're foolish.to even have the hope that you will be saved.
you don't deserve it.
then why did you even dream?
you're a coward and a failure.to try to run away,
and fail.
then why did you even try?
if you never existed,your mother would be much happier.
if you never existed,your father would have the son he always wanted.
if you never existed,your brothers would have the caring sister they need.
if you never existed,your friends would not have been hurt.
if you never existed,your teachers,tutors would have a much easier life.
if you never existed,the world would be a better place.
the only good form your laughable existence,is to teach your mother disappointment and pain,
to teach your father shame and failure,to teach your brothers fear.
no,its not the fault of her family or friends,or anyone around her.
so anyone who wants to spare her a ticket to anywhere far away,or use her as a human test subject,do tell.
we'll all benefit.
brimstone stormclouds @ 3:59 PM
Monday, July 27, 2009
to whom i might have been a burden to today:i'm sorry.its july/august again.
brimstone stormclouds @ 4:43 PM
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
i'll bring you away,someday.to an honest place,where we exist without titles.where we exist in our very being.where social status does not matter.where people wouldn't wear masks.i'll bring you away,someday.to an innocent place,where purity stands.where intentions are clear.where smiles are only of joy.where the sky is blue and clouds are white.
i'll bring you away,someday.to a fair place,where nothing is more important than another.where prejudices do not exist.where credit is given where its due.
i'll bring you away,someday.to a new place.where a gamut of animals roam the lands.where trees and plants lay untouched.where the breeze still brings more than carbon monoxide.
i'll bring you away,cause you need it.you're footsteps getting heavier with each day,your nights getting shorter as the days get longer.
i'll bring you away,cause the world needs it.you're a burden to everyone around you,they have to plaster a grin when they see you just because they pity you.
i'll bring you away,cause i need it.i know you'll be safe there,you'll be happy there.
i'll save you because you're pathetic,pitiful and hopeless.you cannot stand for yourself.
i'll save you because no one else would.you lie in your corner,in pain,alone.
i'll save you because you're me.i'm me.and that needs nothing else.
"other friends have flown before-On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."
when i die,i'll die floating on water.
i love water; the smell of the ocean clears out all my problems.
today is one of those brick wall days.
i'm sorry.
brimstone stormclouds @ 8:49 PM
Monday, July 20, 2009
today i learnt something valuable.we all have dreams.dreams do not come to us.
we have to work for it.
there is absolutely no point in dreaming if you're not intending to achieve it.
same goes for targets and goals
so this afternoon,i tried it out.
emotional control,anger.
i managed to stop myself before i lashed out at her.
i paused.
"think positive" that voice echoed in my head,as the rational side of me kicked in.
only then,i realized i am indebted to her for giving me this test.
emotional control cannot be achieved through one single incident.
or ten,or twenty,or a hundred.
it is a state of being,to be practiced every time the chances come up.
and
i read the last lecture,by randy pausch.
"time is all you have.and you may find one day that you have less than you think."
live the moment.
brimstone stormclouds @ 7:58 PM
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